Dylan spent the first 7 years of his life as an only child. We wanted more children, but it just wasn't going so well. I had my first miscarriage when Dylan was about 3. It was devastating, and I didn't handle it very well. I became angry and depressed. Very much so. Then about a year later, I had another miscarriage. And I became silent. I don't think I told anyone, except my husband, about this one, because it was just too much for me to handle. I started shutting myself off from everything and everyone.
In 2001, we decided, after the big flood in Houston took my husband's job, that we would relocate to a small town where my brother lived. We moved into a house, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by ranch land and the Brazos river. Dylan was 5, and started school shortly after we moved. I spent the days alone, trying to deal with all the walls I had put up.. all the anger, the depression. I would walk every single day, down to the river and just sit and throw rocks into the water. For hours. I would think, and pray. And pray. And pray. And I would listen. Listen to the sounds around me. The sounds of peace. Quite. Solitude. Serenity. It was in this place that I started to heal. So that after 2 years, when my third miscarriage came, instead of pulling even further into myself... I did the opposite. I reached out. I was finally strong enough. And I credit the time I spent on introspection, in prayer, listening, healing, living.. with out it, I would not have survived the third.
I was finally diagnosed with PCOS, was put on some medication that could possibly help. I started seeing an amazing Doctor's assistant, that really took a special interest in me and my health. She saved the day when the meds my Gyn gave me started messing up my liver, and switched me immediately. We talked a lot about my difficulty in conceiving, and my inability to stay that way once I did conceive. She was interested, and wanted to help. She researched things, came up with answers. This is the type of doctor every single person should have. A blessing, when I needed one most.
I stopped walking down to the river, and started working outside the home. I started connecting with people again. And it felt good. Better than solitude. I was finally back invested in life.
And thats when it happened.
I new I was pregnant very early on. I could almost say immediately. I just felt different all of a sudden, and it wasn't going away. I called up my Doctor's office and asked if I could come in and have a blood test done. That very same day, My doctor calls me at work and says " I thought you said you couldn't get pregnant? Why then do I have a report on my desk that says your blood test is positive?" Positive! I was pregnant. And terrified.
When I went into the OB, they did a urine test, just to verify since I didn't have the blood test done through them... And the nurse showed me the dip stick, because it was unusually high... her words "You are Very pregnant!" This was the only visit I had with them, and quickly changed OB's because of some personal reasons. I really didn't like the doctor, he was great for treating my PCOS, but I didn't feel comfortable that he would be able to help me through a pregnancy... or another miscarriage. I talked with my amazing Family Doctor's Assistant, and she recommended a couple different OB's.
I settled on one, only because after calling his office with a question about a Vback, HE called me back HIMSELF and talked with me for 45 minutes. He was another blessing, an amazing OB, and to this day I would recommend him to anyone. But, that's getting ahead of myself! LOL
My first visit with the new OB went really well. Your typical first visit. I explained my fears about misscarriage, and he promised to be there every step of the way, and even had recomendations for therapy contacts, just in case. He was very knowledgeable about my PCOS, and for the first time, I learned from my doctor instead of having to do my own research. I was put as high risk, and had visits every 2 weeks, due to my tendency to miscarry. I was very thankful that he was taking this approach, mainly to sooth my worries.
On probably my 5th visit, and my second ultrasound.... Everything in my life changed dramatically.
I remember it so very vividly. My husband didn't come with me, as it was just a routine visit. He had come to the first ultrasound, but the baby was too small then to even hear its heartbeat. We figured since it had only been two weeks, it would probably be much the same. They were doing the ultrasounds to measure the baby, making sure it was growing... .miscarriage prevention, if you can call it that. It was reassuring to me, and that's all that mattered. But, this day.... this ultrasound..... turned out to be very different.
I remember laying there, watching the screen, when the Ultrasound tech starting sitting up straighter. She looked over at me, with this little smile, and asked me if I was happy about the pregnancy.
"Yes, We've been trying so very long. We are hoping this time things go ok"
"You've had trouble?"
"Yeah, alot. I've had a few miscarriages and I don't ovulate very often."
"Do you have any other children?"
"a seven year old son. He's very excited about this pregnancy. Been asking for a little brother or sister since he was 2"
"Would he like more than just one brother or sister"
"Sure! I think he'd like several. Hopefully we can have more after this one"
"Do twins run in your family?"
"Twins? Yes, My grandma is a twin. Why?"
"I didn't see it before, or the last time you were here. But I do now. There are two babies. Two heartbeats today."
"Twins. I need to go fetch the Dr, but he's gonna see what i'm seeing. Your having twins."
It was then that the tears fell. Silent tears. The kind that come with no sob or sound.. they just roll down out of your eyes, and you have no control over it. The ultrasound tech just smiles, squeezes my hand and heads out to find the doctor. Leaving me there to stare at the frozen picture of two tiny little peanuts.
When the doctor gets there, he is wearing the biggest smile I have ever seen on a Doctor... None of my other doctors had ever smiled at me... I was complicated.. even a frustration for some of them. But this doctor, he smiled and was probably just as excited as I was about the prospect of twins.
"Well, Valeri, lets see what we have here!"
And he proceeds to do another ultrasound, looking at the babies... and smiling even bigger!
"Wow! Imagine this! Twins, Valeri! You did tell me something felt different about this pregnancy and you were right! You are defenantly having twins! Look, can you see their hearts beat?'
And I could. I could see every beat. And the tears just kept rolling. I couldn't even talk. I was just beyond happy.. the joy filled me up, and flowed out my eyes.
I drove home in a stupor... trying to figure out how best to tell my husband. I stopped at a walgreens hoping to find a card that said congrats your having twins. I don't even know if there was one there, because everything I read was a blur. My phone kept ringing, and i wouldn't answer it, afraid that I would just scream out to the world that I... I.... I was having twins! And I wanted to tell my husband first before anyone else.
I had to wait hours. I went home and just sat and sat... then paced and paced.. and sat and sat. My son kept asking me what was wrong, and I would shake my head and say "nothing, everything is just right!" and he would give me a funny look and walk away. When my husband finally got home, I was about ready to burst. I met him at the door and asked him to sit down.
"Why? I don't want to. Just tell me. Whats wrong? Something's wrong isn't it?"
"No, will you please just sit down. I'll be right back"
and I went in the room and picked up a picture his mother had given us. It was an Ann Gedies photograph of three babies in a tub. I handed it to my husband and said...
"One of those babies represents Dylan. Whats left?"
"I don't know what you mean.'
"If you take one baby out, that represents Dylan, how many babies are left?"
"Thats how many babies we are gonna have"
"What? I don't understand"
"Two, that is how many babies we are going to have. I'm having twins."
He just looks at me for the longest time, then starts to smile and says..
"Wow! Twins? Are you sure? I've got to call my mom and dad!"
And he proceeds to run for the phone and start dialing as I'm yelling out that I get to call my family FIRST I'VE WAITED ALL DAY!!!
The rest of the pregnancy was a dream. I had the best care possible. I worked full time, all the way up till 2 days before having my c-section. I was the happiest woman alive. I was beautiful, even though I was huge. I felt like a princess whose fairy godmother clipped her on the head every morning, dressing her in her ball gown and glass slippers.
Except for the weeks I had the shingles, now I didn't feel so well then.. but when that was over, and the "oh and ahing" by my doctor finally died down (he was so very interested in my shingles case, it was annoying! LOL) I went back to being that princess, glowing and happy.
The day the twins were born was absolutely wonderful. When Dylan was born, I was out from the spinal block for 9 hours. Most of my family members had the chance to hold him before I did. But with the twins, they kept them with me in the recovery room. I got to touch them, kiss them, watch my husband beam as he held them, one in each arm. I watched as my son smiled and proclaimed that he was their big brother. My mom was there, and took pictures of everything...and I didn't care that I was a mess, laying there after a difficult c-section. I was happy. I had my babies. My twins. Finally. Ian and Zachary came into our lives at the moment we were ready for them. Before this, I hated the saying "God gives you what you can handle" Because it was always uttered in regards to the bad things that had happened to me. But now, that had changed... and God did give me what I could handle, when I could handle it.
The next few months were hectic. But I wouldn't change them for the world. Having twins is an experience that teaches patience, understanding, scheduling.... and learning that things just arnt gonna be perfect, but they will still be lovely in their imperfection. My house hasn't been clean since the boys turned 1... toys everywhere you look. Kid stuff, markings on the walls, balls in the corners.. But I love all of it.
Ian and Zachary are now 4 and a half years old. They will start school this September, and I find that shocking. It just seems like yesterday that we were welcoming them into our lives. Yesterday when I handed Bryan the photograph and said we were having twins. Yesterday that we celebrated their first birthday with cakes of their own. Time flies when you are happy.
When the boys were just 9 months old, we got another shock... probably even a bigger shock than learning of the twins. I was pregnant again, with Miracle #4. Spontaneous Fertility after pregnancy, that's what my doctor called it. I called it "God sure does have a strange sense of humor!"
More on Miracle #4 next time. :)
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